Tuesday, May 31, 2011

...And We're Back

Hello. Sorry for the absence. I woke up from a two month black out, and the world was a different place. In international news, that douche with the beard, who made those low budget, hipster-esque films from the inside of a mountain, is finally dead . He took two bullets to the head, and I hope everybody took their keys and punched some holes in the sides of beer cans to celebrate. He's getting nibbled by fishes right now, which, ironically, is some kinky stuff that he'd probably enjoy. Did you hear about his epic pornography stash that the SEALs found during the raid? Even the scumbag's own three wives wouldn't sleep with him. Serves him right. He can go meet those forty virgins as a virgin himself, and I hope they all break it to him that while he was hiding out in mountains,  playing with himself, they all decided to pursue their lesbian inclinations.

What's terrifying me the most right now, is the precarious state of football, both college and professional. On the college level, it seems as though the mafia secretly runs the BCS. Wait, that's not even a secret. The NCAAFia totally exists, and everybody knows it. The "computer" rankings? Are you joking? Its like we're listening to that massive artificial brain in I, Robot but forgetting that it tried to eliminate the human race. Also, Ohio State is a wreck. You've always got to watch out for those tattoo artists. That's just a sketchy job to begin with. I think I'd trust John Madden with a dozen chocolate topped Dunkin Donuts before I'd trust Randy the Tattoo Guy with a business transaction. I'm just worried that this isn't the end of college football's issues. At some point, the close knit cartel of self-interested, burn out thugs that comprises 75% of college football will eventually unwind. People, who think themselves superstars despite having accomplished nothing, always find ways to trip over their own feet. Just ask the "stars" of the Surreal Life. Nobody spends a season with Jose Canseco, a midget, and a member of the Brady Bunch and manages to recover their career. They'll lose their sanity and their credibility, but they may however gain entry into the purgatory of all television: Celebrity Apprentice.

Right now, professional football does not exist. That is a problem. I apologize for my selfishness because the absence of football is only a minor problem for me, but for Albert Haynesworth, it is a major issue. His health literally cannot withstand another week without practice. He seriously almost faced charges for road rage after he looked over at the woman driving next to him and thought she was trying to antagonize him by eating a delicious looking Big Mac in front of him. While in his state of blood lust, Albert was about to consume the lady herself, but when he found out she was actually devouring a Whopper he decided to let up. He only eats beneath the Golden Arches. Their dollar menu is out of this world.

Despite the flaws of the football world, summer is upon us, and its time to erase everything you absorbed this past semester, and turn to more important topics like sipping Coronas on a beautiful Caribbean beach. Just kidding, if you're not binge drinking Natty Light on the porch of your Ocean City hotel and yelling profanities at the poor pedestrians, who were unlucky enough to walk on the sidewalk beneath you, you don't know what summer is. Here's a great song with which to ring in the the heat:

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Top 5 Tuesdays: Top 5 Drinking Games

If you have ever consumed alcohol and have a semblance of a social life you have played a drinking game.  You Van Wilders out there have probably already realized that these games are a great way to get to know a girl in a relaxed environment, but if your idea of hitting on a girl is standing awkwardly in the corner, asking her what her major is, get out your engineering paper and take some notes on the 5 best ways to get your drink on while showing your lady that you're the alpha male of the party.  

1. Beruit (Beer Pong for you unsophisticated types):
        'ruit is perhaps the most played, disputed, and fun game of them all.  If you don't know the rules, you should probably go back to your magic cards and take a serious look at where your life is heading.  On the other hand, if you become a master of the table, you can take over a party faster than Mark Cuban jumped at the opportunity to have another mentally insane person give him low fives courtside (keep a lookout for the upcoming Cuban-Sheen handshake, my guess is that it will involve strippers of some sort).  

2. You Got Served
        An addicting, fast-paced, impossible to explain, but easy to play game.  You can look up the rules yourself or call upon the burden of the experienced and ask one of them to explain it to you. I was literally just thinking about including an explanation to this game in the entry, but I got halfway through it and gave up. Basically, just channel your inner knock out, and gang up on some poor soul. 

3. Flip Cup
       This game needs no introduction. Make sure you play it inside or in the garage, not over your mom's new Persian rug because it can get kind of messy when chumps compromise their integrity and decide against finishing their beer. This is a great game for those with less hand eye coordination than a World Series of Poker "athlete" (ed. note- ESPN needs to remove the WSOP from television immediately.  I don't think that I can take having to watch another minute of some dude with blackout shades talking about how his hours of practice on the computer have made him an international celebrity. Dude, nobody will know who you are five seconds after they change the channel.)

4.  Drink Ball
        Once again this game hinges on your ability to chug beer while maintaining superior hand-eye coordination.  It is quite simple.  Two teams each have one unopened beer in each corner of their side of the table while keeping two open beers in the middle of their respective side.  The object is to peg the other teams corner cans and chug your own beer until they can recover the ball and place it on the table.  The first team with no beer left wins. From an observer's standpoint, the more objects cluttered around the table the better, because you are going to see some drunk people wreck themselves faster than Terrence Cody and Albert Haynesworth going through the tires at the same time.  

5. Baseball
       The rules are readily available, just make sure you search for baseball the drinking game, otherwise Google may get confused and think you actually want to go outside and exercise rather than drink beer.  The nice part about this game is that you can have as many people on a team as you like.  Your girlfriend will quickly forget that you have been ignoring her while running train on the beriut table when you let her known that she's your Caesar Izturis and can bat 9th for your team any day of the week.   

Monday, March 28, 2011

Beats to Beat the Week

This week, we are once again throwing it back, just not all the way back. Remember that great decade that was the 1990s? Remember Tamagatchi pets, the Orioles in the playoffs, bleach blonde hair, and the macarena? Remember when Bill Clinton got a gummer in the oval office? Wow. The nineties were crazy. Especially since we were all just kids. So kick it in your time machine, and let this playlist take you back to the days of rolling with your yo-yos and rocking out with your tech decks.

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Thursday, March 24, 2011

Filling the Void

With the prospect of a fall without professional football growing more and more real with each passing day, players have been forced to look for other employment. As incredibly talented individuals, many of the players have taken their talents to alternate sports while others have brought their type-A personalities to the big screen. Here's what some of the pros have lined up:

Chad Ochocinco: Having secured a try-out with Sporting Kansas City, the man of many names has instigated a rush of media (by rush, we mean an increase from a brain dead reporter to a healthy individual) for the MLS but will most likely cost the league more credibility than the Galaxy's signing of Posh Spice.

Tom Zbikowski: Has been tearing it up in the boxing ring and is looking to continue his rapid rise until Don King scares him back to football.

Ray Lewis: With his avant garde entrances, Lewis earned a spot as an instructor on Dancing with the Stars.

Tom Brady: With his avant garde dance moves at Carnival in Rio, Brady earned a spot as Lewis' partner on Dancing with the Stars.

Chris Johnson: Having finally mastered his Lil' Wayne impression, Johnson will be going stage to stage in Las Vegas with Elvis and Tupac.

Terrell Owens: Will start summer league with the New York Knicks. It's actually a perfect fit because for the first time in his career, there is no team chemistry for T.O. to destroy.

Albert Haynesworth: Is doing nothing. Seriously, somebody check on him.

Rex Ryan: Volunteering at his local podiatrist's office. Seems a little selfish.

Mike Tomlin: Having finally decided to go with the acrylic nails, Tomlin has chosen to follow the fate of his blank stare and start working at the DMV.

Joe Flacco: Has fully embraced his acting career, stepping his game up to Papa Johns' commercials.

Troy Polamalu- Makes a guest appearance on Man vs. Wild, but unfortunately, Bear sees Troy's hair, mistakes the safety for a rare woodland creature, and eats him as a means of survival. Sorry Steelers.

Brett Favre: Really enjoys his retirement. He fishes, plays golf, and spends quality time with his wife and daughter. Unfortunately, he still takes pictures of his penis.

Billy Cundiff- Plans on heading down to Mexico to "try alternate strength workouts" (aka his cream and clear guy got deported). Side note: Billy's teammates are incredibly excited about the brief reprieve from Cundiff's locker room reign of terror. Things were never the same after Billy shoved Ray into the wall for looking at him funny.

In closing, I really hope they can work something out. Please. If I have to watch the CFL to get my football fix, then I'll...probably just be pretty unhappy.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Spring Break Hangover

Returning from spring break is terrible. It's like how the NFL allows DeAngelo Hall to start in the Pro-Bowl, giving him a taste of what it's like to play football with real players, and then forces him to go back to the cavalcade of burn outs that is the Redskins' entire team. Once you taste the spoils of utopia, you can never return to the miseries of your normal life. Perhaps the best analogy comes from one of the world's greatest TV shows, Seinfeld, during the episode where Jerry and Elaine are getting on an airplane and arguing over who deserves the sole first-class seat. When Elaine says that she deserves the seat because she has never traveled in first class, Jerry responds, "All right then. See? You won't know what you're missing. I've flown first class, Elaine-- I can't go back to coach. I can't... I won't..." Spring break is like flying first class. Now that you have experienced the epitome of perfection, lying on the beach with a drink in your hand as the guys on ESPN go on and on about how the Orioles are going to win the A.L. East, life outside of such an existence will never be the same. 

Even worse than going back to school or work, however, is that sinking feeling you get upon your return to real life that spring break never happened. Fortunately, there will always be Facebook pictures and STDs to remind us. If you feel that your memory of break relies most heavily on the latter of those two categories, I hope you had fun in the contraction process and strongly recommend that you see a doctor as soon as possible. Assuming that most of you are going to fall back upon your heap of pictures, here are a couple things that I hope you kept in mind during your photography sessions:

1) A substantial number of your pictures should include members of the opposite sex. Even if you were as unlucky as Tiger with Elin, a couple randos in your pictures are enough to convince all your cyber friends that you scored more than Tiger with Random Hookers A-L. 

2) Looking fit in your pictures is a necessity. In a group bathing suit shot, you don't want to be the one Terrence Cody in the group, holding the entire team back because you can't run more than twenty feet without going into cardiac arrest.  You can suck your stomach in all you like, but when it comes down to it, this point really emphasizes the work you put in prior to break. As vain as it sounds, I suggest going through your SB11! album and un-tagging all the pictures in which you could be mistaken for the yet-to-be-discovered sea creature that just so happened to wash ashore and suck in its gut right before the photo.

3) Most importantly, make sure none of your more despicable deeds make an appearance on Facebook. You never know when "the only girl you hooked up with on break" (hey, baby, you leave tomorrow? Well you're the only one for me, Caitlin.. umm Catherine... Kimberly?) may pull a Senator Mitchell, investigating your pictures for any evidence of your wayward morality. 

Spring break was great, but now, it's on to bigger and better things like the start of baseball season, sun dresses, springfests, and lacrosse. We've got a lot to look forward to so don't get lost in the last month or so of school. Put away those winter coats, break out the pastels, and know that every day brings us closer the unabashed debauchery of spring time. 

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Beats to Beat the Week

To those of you returning from the beach, welcome back. To those of you heading to the beach, I hope your flight gets redirected to Cleveland, and you are forced to watch reruns of a Cavs'/Indians'/Browns' game. If you're a member of the former category and looking for a little time to detox or just enough time to drink casually (as opposed to ripping shots and snorting caffeine pills like your winning with Charlie Sheen) crank up this playlist, and let your thoughts drift back to the glorious days of last week.

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