As a holiday based solely upon partying and wearing green, there is nothing like St. Patrick's day. Americans can turn almost any holiday into a full day and night of drinking, but for St. Patty's day, we don't even try to hide our true intentions. I mean, it's not even really our holiday, we just stole it from the Irish and assumed that Patrick achieved his sainthood by inventing green beer. What's even better is that St. Patty's day always falls on the week of spring break or the week after when you really need a good excuse to relive the madness of your time in paradise.
Fortunately, we fall into the former of those two categories as we are celebrating in The Bahamas this year so our Irish sentiments are even more out of place than Pacman Jones at a women's rights rally, but also similar to Pacman Jones, we don't care. We have green clothes and a strong will to indulge in Irish car bombs (the American kind, of course, though flaming alcohol probably damages an equivalent number of people to the sick tactics of the IRA) so truthfully, it doesn't matter at all where we are.
Perhaps the best part about this holiday is that it also happens to coincide with red head appreciation day. No matter how hard Alexi Lalas works to cover every single soccer game in the world or how many 1080 McTwists Shaun White manages to complete without breaking his neck, red heads still suffer the prejudices of society. On St. Patty's day, however, gingers regain their souls for a quick twenty four hours and assume their rightful positions at the head of society. Unfortunately, at midnight they turn back into the demons that they are. So, this St. Patty's day, drink a car bomb, punch a Jets fan who thinks his jersey is befitting, and take a lucky ginger home (though in the morning, feel free to kick them out of bed and then kick them again when they're on the floor so they don't get too cocky).
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Bracketology 102
Now that we are starting to get the results of these ridiculously superfluous play-in games, it is time to go over some basic rules for picking your brackets. No matter what the kind people of Sporting News say (the same people who always pick the favorites to win any contest), you need to look for the upsets because March Madness is just that: madness. Nothing every works out like it's supposed to. With that in mind, look to these tips to give your bracket the necessary flavor of a basketball insider.
1) All four number one seeds never make the final four together. The only time such a feat occurred was in 2008, but that was more of an anomaly than Mrs. Ryan indulging Rex's foot fetish. Our advice: pick a number one seed, which you think will run train on its respective bracket, and ride them into the finals.
2) Look closely at the 5-12 games and the 6-11 games for your upsets. Most of these games feature the less impressive teams from the big conferences against the studs of the mid-majors, who know they have something to prove. Teams like Kansas St. and Cincinnati look at bids to the tourney as their birthrights so they're likely to look past their opening games and on to the round of 32. You cannot overlook any team in this tournament and forgetting that could be a worse mistake than Billy Buckner thinking he's too good for grounders.
3) Always pick against Vanderbilt. We love the school and all of its pastel wearing attendees, but even though its not football, Vandy is pretty used to losing in sports. They rack up wins at home, but the most important thing to realize is just that: they rack up wins at home. They win games based solely upon trickery. Their home court has its benches on the baselines whereas literally every other basketball court in the world has them on the sidelines. How they get away with this is beyond me.
4) Always pick Gonzaga. Don't ask questions. They always find some random white guy with a seventies porn stash to carry them for at least a couple games.
Being in the Bahamas, we're kind of rushed for time, but follow these tips, and you'll at least get a couple games right. Remember, if you pick an upset and it doesn't go your way, you won't look nearly as stupid as the guy who picks the favorites every time or turns to the World Cup Octopus to fill out his bracket. The tournament is crazy. Everybody has a chance. Too bad Matt Leinart didn't play college basketball.
1) All four number one seeds never make the final four together. The only time such a feat occurred was in 2008, but that was more of an anomaly than Mrs. Ryan indulging Rex's foot fetish. Our advice: pick a number one seed, which you think will run train on its respective bracket, and ride them into the finals.
2) Look closely at the 5-12 games and the 6-11 games for your upsets. Most of these games feature the less impressive teams from the big conferences against the studs of the mid-majors, who know they have something to prove. Teams like Kansas St. and Cincinnati look at bids to the tourney as their birthrights so they're likely to look past their opening games and on to the round of 32. You cannot overlook any team in this tournament and forgetting that could be a worse mistake than Billy Buckner thinking he's too good for grounders.
3) Always pick against Vanderbilt. We love the school and all of its pastel wearing attendees, but even though its not football, Vandy is pretty used to losing in sports. They rack up wins at home, but the most important thing to realize is just that: they rack up wins at home. They win games based solely upon trickery. Their home court has its benches on the baselines whereas literally every other basketball court in the world has them on the sidelines. How they get away with this is beyond me.
4) Always pick Gonzaga. Don't ask questions. They always find some random white guy with a seventies porn stash to carry them for at least a couple games.
Being in the Bahamas, we're kind of rushed for time, but follow these tips, and you'll at least get a couple games right. Remember, if you pick an upset and it doesn't go your way, you won't look nearly as stupid as the guy who picks the favorites every time or turns to the World Cup Octopus to fill out his bracket. The tournament is crazy. Everybody has a chance. Too bad Matt Leinart didn't play college basketball.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Monday's Beats to Beat the Week
For many of us out there, the glorious days of spring break are in our rearview mirrors, becoming less and less of a reality with each new homework assignment and incoming friend request from that Biggest Loser contestant you swear you didn't hook up with on Tuesday's karaoke night. But for those of us in denial of such a truth, here’s a list of jams for the six, seven, or even eight nights of parties during the godforsaken week after spring break. So whether you’re poppin’ a couple brews with your bros or trying to impress a girl with a dirty beat, these songs will throw their clothes off (hopefully with the latter category, but whatever gives the boat its buoyancy). Instead of poaching songs from your friends' walls, take these jams for a spin. Nota Bene: Beats go best with Natty Light.
Create a playlist at MixPod.com
Create a playlist at MixPod.com
Weight Room Etiquette with The Mink
Let’s face it; if you haven’t been hitting the weight room since age 13, you’re probably going to be in worse shape than the upcoming NFL season. Perhaps the reason why your biceps look like Rex Ryan’s double chin is because you have been focusing too intently on those calf raises and wrist curls for the past five years. Nevertheless, without a phat chest, chiseled abs, and tennis ball biceps, you might as well bring your World of Warcraft guide book to South Beach and see if you can gather up some virgins to duel (not the good kind…). But if you’d rather not spend your prime time this summer trying to get that 95 SPF sunscreen that your mom bought for you onto the center part of your back, you might want to follow some of these pointers and see if you can gain a little gym cred just by walking in there.
1. If you’re aiming to get a lift in where your heart is pumping faster than a sexually aroused silverback gorilla, you'll need to check out the pre-workout supplement isle. These bad boys will cause so many veins to pop on your body that you soon won’t be able to see your skin underneath the glorious webbing that tattoos your forearm.
2. Clothing is essential in the gym. Most noobs don’t realize this fact, which is precisely why you can walk into any public gym and see kids running in jeans or squatting in toe shoes (also a NARP accessory). Your appearance is your number one confidence builder, but know your limits, please. If you have a little too much jelly in the belly, toss on an XL, tuck in the back a little, and let that front drape over like it’s the extra skin on The Biggest Loser’s arm. And a little advice on the side, if you look like you’ve been pumping chest and tri’s for the last two years straight, and your legs look like they couldn’t even feed a hungry family, throw on some loose sweats and let everyone else imagine that you have some tree trunks down there, not tree stumps.
3. Finally, what you do inside the weight room should be your number one concern. You’re probably wondering where the line exists between some quality dude sweat and a raging sausage fest. Truth is, that line goes much farther than you would expect. Nobody will get hurt if you throw in a couple grunts while pushing that last set of 275, but if you’re moaning every rep like you have to drop a duecer, it’s probably going to be more awkward than Gilbert Arenas making a surprise visit to the Wizards locker room, suggesting a Super Soaker fight, so keep those man noises to a necessary minimum. Also there’s nothing wrong with a little celebratory Tiger fist swing (not pump) after a difficult set, but be mindful of excessive celebration. You won’t get flagged, but neither did Bill Gramatica after that legendary field goal.
4. One last point of advice, bring the protein jar with you to the gym, or have it easily accessible after your sesh. There’s literally nothing worse than having your protein intake postponed because you got sidetracked by that guy trying to “show” you a couple pointers on how to improve your hammer curl, or by playing with the gym chalk pretending to be Lebron (on your own time, please). With these guidelines, in no time you’ll be putting up enough plates to make Kobayashi look soft and quite possibly be eligible for the next season of Spartacus.
1. If you’re aiming to get a lift in where your heart is pumping faster than a sexually aroused silverback gorilla, you'll need to check out the pre-workout supplement isle. These bad boys will cause so many veins to pop on your body that you soon won’t be able to see your skin underneath the glorious webbing that tattoos your forearm.
2. Clothing is essential in the gym. Most noobs don’t realize this fact, which is precisely why you can walk into any public gym and see kids running in jeans or squatting in toe shoes (also a NARP accessory). Your appearance is your number one confidence builder, but know your limits, please. If you have a little too much jelly in the belly, toss on an XL, tuck in the back a little, and let that front drape over like it’s the extra skin on The Biggest Loser’s arm. And a little advice on the side, if you look like you’ve been pumping chest and tri’s for the last two years straight, and your legs look like they couldn’t even feed a hungry family, throw on some loose sweats and let everyone else imagine that you have some tree trunks down there, not tree stumps.
3. Finally, what you do inside the weight room should be your number one concern. You’re probably wondering where the line exists between some quality dude sweat and a raging sausage fest. Truth is, that line goes much farther than you would expect. Nobody will get hurt if you throw in a couple grunts while pushing that last set of 275, but if you’re moaning every rep like you have to drop a duecer, it’s probably going to be more awkward than Gilbert Arenas making a surprise visit to the Wizards locker room, suggesting a Super Soaker fight, so keep those man noises to a necessary minimum. Also there’s nothing wrong with a little celebratory Tiger fist swing (not pump) after a difficult set, but be mindful of excessive celebration. You won’t get flagged, but neither did Bill Gramatica after that legendary field goal.
4. One last point of advice, bring the protein jar with you to the gym, or have it easily accessible after your sesh. There’s literally nothing worse than having your protein intake postponed because you got sidetracked by that guy trying to “show” you a couple pointers on how to improve your hammer curl, or by playing with the gym chalk pretending to be Lebron (on your own time, please). With these guidelines, in no time you’ll be putting up enough plates to make Kobayashi look soft and quite possibly be eligible for the next season of Spartacus.
 |
Contributed by guest writer The Mink (much gratitude to The Mink-writing on spring break is quite difficult when you can barely formulate words, let alone spell them) |
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Toes in the Water
Ah, spring break. It's here. Let's face it, unless you live in a nice little ski-in ski-out cabin in Breck, winter is miserable. If winter were a place, it would ironically be the Heat's locker room. Regardless, it's over. So pack your bags, we're going on Spring Break 2011. Although you have already planned out your vacation (if you haven't, you'll be more at a loss for a good time than Erik Spoelstra will be for a job at the end of the season), we've got a few points, which you should keep in mind when reviewing your plans:
1) Any good spring break involves alcohol. As nice as it is to say how badly you'd like to create wonderful memories with your closest friends (i.e. the ones you met at a hostel in Florence during your fall semester abroad) on your once-in-a-lifetime vacation to St. Thomas, chances are that you will have wreaked such havoc on your cerebral cortex that you won't be remembering much of anything. Fortunately, Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook for this very reason. So when you get home, just accept those random friend requests and let the tags role in. There's nothing like piecing together a week of your life from an assortment of pictures taken by a creepy dude from Montana with only one friend. A tag is a tag. Anyways, I'm pretty sure that there are only two people in Montana so its not that weird.
2) With the weight of your soul having been crushed by a couple feet of snow this past winter, there is no site more welcome than that of clear blue water, washing up onto a sandy beach. When you're on the beach, you have only two things to worry about: getting beer and getting a tan. Talk about bi-winning. (editors' note: There is only one exception to the beach rule, and that is if you plan on spending your spring break skiing. Hitting the slopes for a day of fresh powder out west followed by a relaxing evening in your condo's hot tub is quite possibly the only experience comparable to a week on the beach in the Virgin Islands.) I don't think it's possible, but if you cannot manage to have a good time with your toes in the sand and a beer to your lips, perhaps you should attend a pity party in Miami's locker-room. I hear the emotions are running rampant down there.
3) Finally, what makes spring break so unique is the opportunity, for one week, to surround yourself with attractive people from colleges across the United States. Tired of covering their bodies with clothes that ran their course at the end of February, such as sweaters, scarves, and LeBron jerseys, college-aged kids rejoice at the prospect of indulging in minimalist attire. The only thing that we ask, for males and females, is to know your body and to know your limits when it comes to bathing suits. If you've spent all winter on the Terrence Cody diet and for some reason those crunches and bicep curls on the Friday night before your flight didn't turn you into a Greek deity, do us a favor: don a cool T-shirt and impress us all with the height of your alcohol tolerance.
One last note, be safe over break. As tempting as it can be to cut your leg before swimming with sharks or to hit on one of the indigenous people because nobody in America will hook up with you, just remember: death and STDs stick with you for a while. That being said, have a great break!
1) Any good spring break involves alcohol. As nice as it is to say how badly you'd like to create wonderful memories with your closest friends (i.e. the ones you met at a hostel in Florence during your fall semester abroad) on your once-in-a-lifetime vacation to St. Thomas, chances are that you will have wreaked such havoc on your cerebral cortex that you won't be remembering much of anything. Fortunately, Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook for this very reason. So when you get home, just accept those random friend requests and let the tags role in. There's nothing like piecing together a week of your life from an assortment of pictures taken by a creepy dude from Montana with only one friend. A tag is a tag. Anyways, I'm pretty sure that there are only two people in Montana so its not that weird.
2) With the weight of your soul having been crushed by a couple feet of snow this past winter, there is no site more welcome than that of clear blue water, washing up onto a sandy beach. When you're on the beach, you have only two things to worry about: getting beer and getting a tan. Talk about bi-winning. (editors' note: There is only one exception to the beach rule, and that is if you plan on spending your spring break skiing. Hitting the slopes for a day of fresh powder out west followed by a relaxing evening in your condo's hot tub is quite possibly the only experience comparable to a week on the beach in the Virgin Islands.) I don't think it's possible, but if you cannot manage to have a good time with your toes in the sand and a beer to your lips, perhaps you should attend a pity party in Miami's locker-room. I hear the emotions are running rampant down there.
3) Finally, what makes spring break so unique is the opportunity, for one week, to surround yourself with attractive people from colleges across the United States. Tired of covering their bodies with clothes that ran their course at the end of February, such as sweaters, scarves, and LeBron jerseys, college-aged kids rejoice at the prospect of indulging in minimalist attire. The only thing that we ask, for males and females, is to know your body and to know your limits when it comes to bathing suits. If you've spent all winter on the Terrence Cody diet and for some reason those crunches and bicep curls on the Friday night before your flight didn't turn you into a Greek deity, do us a favor: don a cool T-shirt and impress us all with the height of your alcohol tolerance.
One last note, be safe over break. As tempting as it can be to cut your leg before swimming with sharks or to hit on one of the indigenous people because nobody in America will hook up with you, just remember: death and STDs stick with you for a while. That being said, have a great break!
 |
| (Contributions from editors and guest writer Bacchus) |
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Bomb Beats for Break
1. Go Go Girl by Na Palm
2. The Chase by Timeflies
3. Don't Stop by 90's Finest
Last Call by 90's Finest
Hello Seattle by 90's Finest
4. Freaks and Geeks by Childish Gambino
5. Open Your Eyes by Norwegian Recycling
6. Don't Mind If I Do by Mac Miller
Donald Trump by Mac Miller
7. Taken Off by Cam Meekins
Comes To An End by Cam Meekins
8. Thirsty Thursday by Mr. Defoe
9. Young, Wild, and Free by Wiz Khalifa and Snoop Dog
10. Please Don't Go Alone by The Mashmaticians (Mike Posner vs. Calvin Harris
11. Over Being Sober by Nate Walka
(click on song to download)
Whether enjoying a nice glass of wine with your significant other or aggressively drinking beer so cheap that O's owner Peter Angelos (aka evil incarnate) buys it, the ambient music plays an important role in setting the mood and enhancing the life of the party. And since everybody knows that spring break is really just a 168 hour party, the proper music is essential. We understand that we were just harping on the importance of style over spring break, but in reality, you will probably spend three quarters of the week blacked out and the other quarter naked so your appearance can take a back seat to the jams flowing through your ears.
All of these songs are incredibly solid and are sure to give your iPod a little boost before break. Play them at the right time, and maybe you'll get a chance to spend the quarter of break you remember with somebody special (and proceed to leave all of your clothes in their room).
2. The Chase by Timeflies
3. Don't Stop by 90's Finest
Last Call by 90's Finest
Hello Seattle by 90's Finest
4. Freaks and Geeks by Childish Gambino
5. Open Your Eyes by Norwegian Recycling
6. Don't Mind If I Do by Mac Miller
Donald Trump by Mac Miller
7. Taken Off by Cam Meekins
Comes To An End by Cam Meekins
8. Thirsty Thursday by Mr. Defoe
9. Young, Wild, and Free by Wiz Khalifa and Snoop Dog
10. Please Don't Go Alone by The Mashmaticians (Mike Posner vs. Calvin Harris
11. Over Being Sober by Nate Walka
(click on song to download)
Whether enjoying a nice glass of wine with your significant other or aggressively drinking beer so cheap that O's owner Peter Angelos (aka evil incarnate) buys it, the ambient music plays an important role in setting the mood and enhancing the life of the party. And since everybody knows that spring break is really just a 168 hour party, the proper music is essential. We understand that we were just harping on the importance of style over spring break, but in reality, you will probably spend three quarters of the week blacked out and the other quarter naked so your appearance can take a back seat to the jams flowing through your ears.
All of these songs are incredibly solid and are sure to give your iPod a little boost before break. Play them at the right time, and maybe you'll get a chance to spend the quarter of break you remember with somebody special (and proceed to leave all of your clothes in their room).
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Good Impressions: Spring Break 2011
Although an interest in style often belies an interest in Mike Piazza's weekend plans with Longines, knowing what to wear and when to wear it can solidify a return trip to an office or a bedroom, allowing you to stand out from the chump who looks like he should be starring on True Life: I Star On MTV's 'Jersey Shore' And Will Be Living On The Streets As Soon As The Country Decides To Abandon The Petting Zoo That Is My Life. Even when you're just throwing something on to run out to the store, putting a little time into your get-up is important. You never know when you'll run into somebody worthy of a good impression.
Some of the most basic "don'ts" that Hunter and Hampton live by are as follow:
1) Cargo shorts are a no-go. As a principle, you should never be carrying such an abundance of objects in your pockets that the front two are not sufficient. The days of extracting your collection of Magic cards from your lower left pocket are over. You are not a sorcerer.
2) Tap-Out/Affliction shirts are not cool. As far as impressions go, you never want to make somebody fear that you'll throw him into a star choke and proceed to shove your crotch into his face until he can no longer function due to the lack of oxygen in his brain.
3) Stay away from over the top, intense sunglasses such as Oakley Gascans. You are not Robo-Cop.
Hopefully, you don't read this and glance at your spring break suitcase in disdain, but if you do happen to find some of these items in your bag, you still have a couple days to burn everything you own and reinvent yourself into a respectable human being. (As a note, Hunter and Hampton do not like to declare that many "do's" when it comes to fashion because part of looking good involves allowing your personality to manifest itself through your style. However, they do have have some suggestion you may want to take on board if you are looking for some guidance.)
Here's a quick selection of some of the bathing suits that Hunter and Hampton will be wearing over spring break in The Bahamas. Admittedly, the Parke and Ronen "designer swim-wear" is a little avant-garde, but if you have enough money and an exorbitant amount of confidence in your quads, you may be in for some raucous evenings on the beach with an assortment of reputable young ladies.
Some of the most basic "don'ts" that Hunter and Hampton live by are as follow:
1) Cargo shorts are a no-go. As a principle, you should never be carrying such an abundance of objects in your pockets that the front two are not sufficient. The days of extracting your collection of Magic cards from your lower left pocket are over. You are not a sorcerer.
2) Tap-Out/Affliction shirts are not cool. As far as impressions go, you never want to make somebody fear that you'll throw him into a star choke and proceed to shove your crotch into his face until he can no longer function due to the lack of oxygen in his brain.
3) Stay away from over the top, intense sunglasses such as Oakley Gascans. You are not Robo-Cop.
Hopefully, you don't read this and glance at your spring break suitcase in disdain, but if you do happen to find some of these items in your bag, you still have a couple days to burn everything you own and reinvent yourself into a respectable human being. (As a note, Hunter and Hampton do not like to declare that many "do's" when it comes to fashion because part of looking good involves allowing your personality to manifest itself through your style. However, they do have have some suggestion you may want to take on board if you are looking for some guidance.)
Here's a quick selection of some of the bathing suits that Hunter and Hampton will be wearing over spring break in The Bahamas. Admittedly, the Parke and Ronen "designer swim-wear" is a little avant-garde, but if you have enough money and an exorbitant amount of confidence in your quads, you may be in for some raucous evenings on the beach with an assortment of reputable young ladies.
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