Top 5 Tuesdays: Top 5 Drinking Games

If you have ever consumed alcohol and have a semblance of a social life you have played a drinking game.  You Van Wilders out there have probably already realized that these games are a great way to get to know a girl in a relaxed environment, but if your idea of hitting on a girl is standing awkwardly in the corner, asking her what her major is, get out your engineering paper and take some notes on the 5 best ways to get your drink on while showing your lady that you're the alpha male of the party.  

1. Beruit (Beer Pong for you unsophisticated types):

        'ruit is perhaps the most played, disputed, and fun game of them all.  If you don't know the rules, you should probably go back to your magic cards and take a serious look at where your life is heading.  On the other hand, if you become a master of the table, you can take over a party faster than Mark Cuban jumped at the opportunity to have another mentally insane person give him low fives courtside (keep a lookout for the upcoming Cuban-Sheen handshake, my guess is that it will involve strippers of some sort).  

2. You Got Served

        An addicting, fast-paced, impossible to explain, but easy to play game.  You can look up the rules yourself or call upon the burden of the experienced and ask one of them to explain it to you. I was literally just thinking about including an explanation to this game in the entry, but I got halfway through it and gave up. Basically, just channel your inner knock out, and gang up on some poor soul. 

3. Flip Cup

       This game needs no introduction. Make sure you play it inside or in the garage, not over your mom's new Persian rug because it can get kind of messy when chumps compromise their integrity and decide against finishing their beer. This is a great game for those with less hand eye coordination than a World Series of Poker "athlete" (ed. note- ESPN needs to remove the WSOP from television immediately.  I don't think that I can take having to watch another minute of some dude with blackout shades talking about how his hours of practice on the computer have made him an international celebrity. Dude, nobody will know who you are five seconds after they change the channel.)

4.  Drink Ball

        Once again this game hinges on your ability to chug beer while maintaining superior hand-eye coordination.  It is quite simple.  Two teams each have one unopened beer in each corner of their side of the table while keeping two open beers in the middle of their respective side.  The object is to peg the other teams corner cans and chug your own beer until they can recover the ball and place it on the table.  The first team with no beer left wins. From an observer's standpoint, the more objects cluttered around the table the better, because you are going to see some drunk people wreck themselves faster than Terrence Cody and Albert Haynesworth going through the tires at the same time.  

5. Baseball

       The rules are readily available, just make sure you search for baseball the drinking game, otherwise Google may get confused and think you actually want to go outside and exercise rather than drink beer.  The nice part about this game is that you can have as many people on a team as you like.  Your girlfriend will quickly forget that you have been ignoring her while running train on the beriut table when you let her known that she's your Caesar Izturis and can bat 9th for your team any day of the week.   

        

Beats to Beat the Week

This week, we are once again throwing it back, just not all the way back. Remember that great decade that was the 1990s? Remember Tamagatchi pets, the Orioles in the playoffs, bleach blonde hair, and the macarena? Remember when Bill Clinton got a gummer in the oval office? Wow. The nineties were crazy. Especially since we were all just kids. So kick it in your time machine, and let this playlist take you back to the days of rolling with your yo-yos and rocking out with your tech decks.



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Dirtiest Downloads of the Past Week

1. Time Will Tell by Eddy B and Tim Gunter ft. Young Prince
2. Stereo Sun by Lupe Fiasco
3. Run This by IanJ
4. Caveman by The Dean's List ft. Danni Ummel
5. Red Nation by The Game ft. Lil' Wayne
6. Do the Dance (Justice remix) by 90's Finest
7. Recluse by 90's Finest
8. Everyone's Starry Eyed, Sayin' Yeah by Wiz Khalifa ft. Ellie Goulding
9. Looking at The Sky by Huey Mack ft. La Roux

Filling the Void

With the prospect of a fall without professional football growing more and more real with each passing day, players have been forced to look for other employment. As incredibly talented individuals, many of the players have taken their talents to alternate sports while others have brought their type-A personalities to the big screen. Here's what some of the pros have lined up:

Chad Ochocinco: Having secured a try-out with Sporting Kansas City, the man of many names has instigated a rush of media (by rush, we mean an increase from a brain dead reporter to a healthy individual) for the MLS but will most likely cost the league more credibility than the Galaxy's signing of Posh Spice.

Tom Zbikowski: Has been tearing it up in the boxing ring and is looking to continue his rapid rise until Don King scares him back to football.

Ray Lewis: With his avant garde entrances, Lewis earned a spot as an instructor on Dancing with the Stars.

Tom Brady: With his avant garde dance moves at Carnival in Rio, Brady earned a spot as Lewis' partner on Dancing with the Stars.

Chris Johnson: Having finally mastered his Lil' Wayne impression, Johnson will be going stage to stage in Las Vegas with Elvis and Tupac.

Terrell Owens: Will start summer league with the New York Knicks. It's actually a perfect fit because for the first time in his career, there is no team chemistry for T.O. to destroy.

Albert Haynesworth: Is doing nothing. Seriously, somebody check on him.

Rex Ryan: Volunteering at his local podiatrist's office. Seems a little selfish.

Mike Tomlin: Having finally decided to go with the acrylic nails, Tomlin has chosen to follow the fate of his blank stare and start working at the DMV.

Joe Flacco: Has fully embraced his acting career, stepping his game up to Papa Johns' commercials.

Troy Polamalu- Makes a guest appearance on Man vs. Wild, but unfortunately, Bear sees Troy's hair, mistakes the safety for a rare woodland creature, and eats him as a means of survival. Sorry Steelers.

Brett Favre: Really enjoys his retirement. He fishes, plays golf, and spends quality time with his wife and daughter. Unfortunately, he still takes pictures of his penis.

Billy Cundiff- Plans on heading down to Mexico to "try alternate strength workouts" (aka his cream and clear guy got deported). Side note: Billy's teammates are incredibly excited about the brief reprieve from Cundiff's locker room reign of terror. Things were never the same after Billy shoved Ray into the wall for looking at him funny.

In closing, I really hope they can work something out. Please. If I have to watch the CFL to get my football fix, then I'll...probably just be pretty unhappy.

Spring Break Hangover

Returning from spring break is terrible. It's like how the NFL allows DeAngelo Hall to start in the Pro-Bowl, giving him a taste of what it's like to play football with real players, and then forces him to go back to the cavalcade of burn outs that is the Redskins' entire team. Once you taste the spoils of utopia, you can never return to the miseries of your normal life. Perhaps the best analogy comes from one of the world's greatest TV shows, Seinfeld, during the episode where Jerry and Elaine are getting on an airplane and arguing over who deserves the sole first-class seat. When Elaine says that she deserves the seat because she has never traveled in first class, Jerry responds, "All right then. See? You won't know what you're missing. I've flown first class, Elaine-- I can't go back to coach. I can't... I won't..." Spring break is like flying first class. Now that you have experienced the epitome of perfection, lying on the beach with a drink in your hand as the guys on ESPN go on and on about how the Orioles are going to win the A.L. East, life outside of such an existence will never be the same. 

Even worse than going back to school or work, however, is that sinking feeling you get upon your return to real life that spring break never happened. Fortunately, there will always be Facebook pictures and STDs to remind us. If you feel that your memory of break relies most heavily on the latter of those two categories, I hope you had fun in the contraction process and strongly recommend that you see a doctor as soon as possible. Assuming that most of you are going to fall back upon your heap of pictures, here are a couple things that I hope you kept in mind during your photography sessions:

1) A substantial number of your pictures should include members of the opposite sex. Even if you were as unlucky as Tiger with Elin, a couple randos in your pictures are enough to convince all your cyber friends that you scored more than Tiger with Random Hookers A-L. 

2) Looking fit in your pictures is a necessity. In a group bathing suit shot, you don't want to be the one Terrence Cody in the group, holding the entire team back because you can't run more than twenty feet without going into cardiac arrest.  You can suck your stomach in all you like, but when it comes down to it, this point really emphasizes the work you put in prior to break. As vain as it sounds, I suggest going through your SB11! album and un-tagging all the pictures in which you could be mistaken for the yet-to-be-discovered sea creature that just so happened to wash ashore and suck in its gut right before the photo.

3) Most importantly, make sure none of your more despicable deeds make an appearance on Facebook. You never know when "the only girl you hooked up with on break" (hey, baby, you leave tomorrow? Well you're the only one for me, Caitlin.. umm Catherine... Kimberly?) may pull a Senator Mitchell, investigating your pictures for any evidence of your wayward morality. 

Spring break was great, but now, it's on to bigger and better things like the start of baseball season, sun dresses, springfests, and lacrosse. We've got a lot to look forward to so don't get lost in the last month or so of school. Put away those winter coats, break out the pastels, and know that every day brings us closer the unabashed debauchery of spring time. 

Beats to Beat the Week

To those of you returning from the beach, welcome back. To those of you heading to the beach, I hope your flight gets redirected to Cleveland, and you are forced to watch reruns of a Cavs'/Indians'/Browns' game. If you're a member of the former category and looking for a little time to detox or just enough time to drink casually (as opposed to ripping shots and snorting caffeine pills like your winning with Charlie Sheen) crank up this playlist, and let your thoughts drift back to the glorious days of last week.

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St. Patty's Day

As a holiday based solely upon partying and wearing green, there is nothing like St. Patrick's day. Americans can turn almost any holiday into a full day and night of drinking, but for St. Patty's day, we don't even try to hide our true intentions. I mean, it's not even really our holiday, we just stole it from the Irish and assumed that Patrick achieved his sainthood by inventing green beer. What's even better is that St. Patty's day always falls on the week of spring break or the week after when you really need a good excuse to relive the madness of your time in paradise.

Fortunately, we fall into the former of those two categories as we are celebrating in The Bahamas this year so our Irish sentiments are even more out of place than Pacman Jones at a women's rights rally, but also similar to Pacman Jones, we don't care. We have green clothes and a strong will to indulge in Irish car bombs (the American kind, of course, though flaming alcohol probably damages an equivalent number of people to the sick tactics of the IRA) so truthfully, it doesn't matter at all where we are.

Perhaps the best part about this holiday is that it also happens to coincide with red head appreciation day. No matter how hard Alexi Lalas works to cover every single soccer game in the world or how many 1080 McTwists Shaun White manages to complete without breaking his neck, red heads still suffer the prejudices of society. On St. Patty's day, however, gingers regain their souls for a quick twenty four hours and assume their rightful positions at the head of society. Unfortunately, at midnight they turn back into the demons that they are. So, this St. Patty's day, drink a car bomb, punch a Jets fan who thinks his jersey is befitting, and take a lucky ginger home (though in the morning, feel free to kick them out of bed and then kick them again when they're on the floor so they don't get too cocky).

Bracketology 102

Now that we are starting to get the results of these ridiculously superfluous play-in games, it is time to go over some basic rules for picking your brackets. No matter what the kind people of Sporting News say (the same people who always pick the favorites to win any contest), you need to look for the upsets because March Madness is just that: madness. Nothing every works out like it's supposed to. With that in mind, look to these tips to give your bracket the necessary flavor of a basketball insider.

1) All four number one seeds never make the final four together. The only time such a feat occurred was in 2008, but that was more of an anomaly than Mrs. Ryan indulging Rex's foot fetish. Our advice: pick a number one seed, which you think will run train on its respective bracket, and ride them into the finals.

2) Look closely at the 5-12 games and the 6-11 games for your upsets. Most of these games feature the less impressive teams from the big conferences against the studs of the mid-majors, who know they have something to prove. Teams like Kansas St. and Cincinnati look at bids to the tourney as their birthrights so they're likely to look past their opening games and on to the round of 32. You cannot overlook any team in this tournament and forgetting that could be a worse mistake than Billy Buckner thinking he's too good for grounders.

3) Always pick against Vanderbilt. We love the school and all of its pastel wearing attendees, but even though its not football, Vandy is pretty used to losing in sports. They rack up wins at home, but the most important thing to realize is just that: they rack up wins at home. They win games based solely upon trickery. Their home court has its benches on the baselines whereas literally every other basketball court in the world has them on the sidelines. How they get away with this is beyond me.

4) Always pick Gonzaga. Don't ask questions. They always find some random white guy with a seventies porn stash to carry them for at least a couple games.

Being in the Bahamas, we're kind of rushed for time, but follow these tips, and you'll at least get a couple games right. Remember, if you pick an upset and it doesn't go your way, you won't look nearly as stupid as the guy who picks the favorites every time or turns to the World Cup Octopus to fill out his bracket. The tournament is crazy. Everybody has a chance. Too bad Matt Leinart didn't play college basketball.

Monday's Beats to Beat the Week

For many of us out there, the glorious days of spring break are in our rearview mirrors, becoming less and less of a reality with each new homework assignment and incoming friend request from that Biggest Loser contestant you swear you didn't hook up with on Tuesday's karaoke night. But for those of us in denial of such a truth, here’s a list of jams for the six, seven, or even eight nights of parties during the godforsaken week after spring break. So whether you’re poppin’ a couple brews with your bros or trying to impress a girl with a dirty beat, these songs will throw their clothes off (hopefully with the latter category, but whatever gives the boat its buoyancy). Instead of poaching songs from your friends' walls, take these jams for a spin. Nota Bene: Beats go best with Natty Light.



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Weight Room Etiquette with The Mink

Let’s face it; if you haven’t been hitting the weight room since age 13, you’re probably going to be in worse shape than the upcoming NFL season. Perhaps the reason why your biceps look like Rex Ryan’s double chin is because you have been focusing too intently on those calf raises and wrist curls for the past five years. Nevertheless, without a phat chest, chiseled abs, and tennis ball biceps, you might as well bring your World of Warcraft guide book to South Beach and see if you can gather up some virgins to duel (not the good kind…). But if you’d rather not spend your prime time this summer trying to get that 95 SPF sunscreen that your mom bought for you onto the center part of your back, you might want to follow some of these pointers and see if you can gain a little gym cred just by walking in there.

1. If you’re aiming to get a lift in where your heart is pumping faster than a sexually aroused silverback gorilla, you'll need to check out the pre-workout supplement isle. These bad boys will cause so many veins to pop on your body that you soon won’t be able to see your skin underneath the glorious webbing that tattoos your forearm. 

2. Clothing is essential in the gym. Most noobs don’t realize this fact, which is precisely why you can walk into any public gym and see kids running in jeans or squatting in toe shoes (also a NARP accessory). Your appearance is your number one confidence builder, but know your limits, please. If you have a little too much jelly in the belly, toss on an XL, tuck in the back a little, and let that front drape over like it’s the extra skin on The Biggest Loser’s arm. And a little advice on the side, if you look like you’ve been pumping chest and tri’s for the last two years straight, and your legs look like they couldn’t even feed a hungry family, throw on some loose sweats and let everyone else imagine that you have some tree trunks down there, not tree stumps. 

3. Finally, what you do inside the weight room should be your number one concern. You’re probably wondering where the line exists between some quality dude sweat and a raging sausage fest. Truth is, that line goes much farther than you would expect. Nobody will get hurt if you throw in a couple grunts while pushing that last set of 275, but if you’re moaning every rep like you have to drop a duecer, it’s probably going to be more awkward than Gilbert Arenas making a surprise visit to the Wizards locker room, suggesting a Super Soaker fight, so keep those man noises to a necessary minimum. Also there’s nothing wrong with a little celebratory Tiger fist swing (not pump) after a difficult set, but be mindful of excessive celebration. You won’t get flagged, but neither did Bill Gramatica after that legendary field goal.

4. One last point of advice, bring the protein jar with you to the gym, or have it easily accessible after your sesh. There’s literally nothing worse than having your protein intake postponed because you got sidetracked by that guy trying to “show” you a couple pointers on how to improve your hammer curl, or by playing with the gym chalk pretending to be Lebron (on your own time, please). With these guidelines, in no time you’ll be putting up enough plates to make Kobayashi look soft and quite possibly be eligible for the next season of Spartacus. 

Contributed by guest writer The Mink
(much gratitude to The Mink-writing on spring break is quite difficult when you can barely formulate words, let alone spell them)

Toes in the Water

Ah, spring break. It's here. Let's face it, unless you live in a nice little ski-in ski-out cabin in Breck, winter is miserable. If winter were a place, it would ironically be the Heat's locker room.  Regardless, it's over. So pack your bags, we're going on Spring Break 2011. Although you have already planned out your vacation (if you haven't, you'll be more at a loss for a good time than Erik Spoelstra will be for a job at the end of the season), we've got a few points, which you should keep in mind when reviewing your plans:

1) Any good spring break involves alcohol. As nice as it is to say how badly you'd like to create wonderful memories with your closest friends (i.e. the ones you met at a hostel in Florence during your fall semester abroad) on your once-in-a-lifetime vacation to St. Thomas, chances are that you will have wreaked such havoc on your cerebral cortex that you won't be remembering much of anything. Fortunately, Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook for this very reason. So when you get home, just accept those random friend requests and let the tags role in. There's nothing like piecing together a week of your life from an assortment of pictures taken by a creepy dude from Montana with only one friend. A tag is a tag. Anyways, I'm pretty sure that there are only two people in Montana so its not that weird.

2) With the weight of your soul having been crushed by a couple feet of snow this past winter, there is no site more welcome than that of clear blue water, washing up onto a sandy beach. When you're on the beach, you have only two things to worry about: getting beer and getting a tan. Talk about bi-winning. (editors' note: There is only one exception to the beach rule, and that is if you plan on spending your spring break skiing. Hitting the slopes for a day of fresh powder out west followed by a relaxing evening in your condo's hot tub is quite possibly the only experience comparable to a week on the beach in the Virgin Islands.) I don't think it's possible, but if you cannot manage to have a good time with your toes in the sand and a beer to your lips, perhaps you should attend a pity party in Miami's locker-room. I hear the emotions are running rampant down there.

3) Finally, what makes spring break so unique is the opportunity, for one week, to surround yourself with attractive people from colleges across the United States. Tired of covering their bodies with clothes that ran their course at the end of February, such as sweaters, scarves, and LeBron jerseys, college-aged kids rejoice at the prospect of indulging in minimalist attire. The only thing that we ask, for males and females, is to know your body and to know your limits when it comes to bathing suits. If you've spent all winter on the Terrence Cody diet and for some reason those crunches and bicep curls on the Friday night before your flight didn't turn you into a Greek deity, do us a favor: don a cool T-shirt and impress us all with the height of your alcohol tolerance.

One last note, be safe over break. As tempting as it can be to cut your leg before swimming with sharks or to hit on one of the indigenous people because nobody in America will hook up with you, just remember: death and STDs stick with you for a while. That being said, have a great break!

(Contributions from editors and guest writer Bacchus) 

Bomb Beats for Break

1. Go Go Girl by Na Palm
2. The Chase by Timeflies
3. Don't Stop by 90's Finest
    Last Call by 90's Finest
    Hello Seattle by 90's Finest  
4. Freaks and Geeks by Childish Gambino
5. Open Your Eyes by Norwegian Recycling
6. Don't Mind If I Do by Mac Miller
    Donald Trump by Mac Miller
7. Taken Off by Cam Meekins
    Comes To An End by Cam Meekins
8. Thirsty Thursday by Mr. Defoe
9. Young, Wild, and Free by Wiz Khalifa and Snoop Dog
10. Please Don't Go Alone by The Mashmaticians (Mike Posner vs. Calvin Harris
11. Over Being Sober by Nate Walka
(click on song to download)

Whether enjoying a nice glass of wine with your significant other or aggressively drinking beer so cheap that O's owner Peter Angelos (aka evil incarnate) buys it, the ambient music plays an important role in setting the mood and enhancing the life of the party. And since everybody knows that spring break is really just a 168 hour party, the proper music is essential. We understand that we were just harping on the importance of style over spring break, but in reality, you will probably spend three quarters of the week blacked out and the other quarter naked so your appearance can take a back seat to the jams flowing through your ears.

All of these songs are incredibly solid and are sure to give your iPod a little boost before break. Play them at the right time, and maybe you'll get a chance to spend the quarter of break you remember with somebody special (and proceed to leave all of your clothes in their room).

Good Impressions: Spring Break 2011

Although an interest in style often belies an interest in Mike Piazza's weekend plans with Longines, knowing what to wear and when to wear it can solidify a return trip to an office or a bedroom, allowing you to stand out from the chump who looks like he should be starring on True Life: I Star On MTV's 'Jersey Shore' And Will Be Living On The Streets As Soon As The Country Decides To Abandon The Petting Zoo That Is My Life. Even when you're just throwing something on to run out to the store, putting a little time into your get-up is important. You never know when you'll run into somebody worthy of a good impression. 

Some of the most basic "don'ts" that Hunter and Hampton live by are as follow:

1) Cargo shorts are a no-go. As a principle, you should never be carrying such an abundance of objects in your pockets that the front two are not sufficient. The days of extracting your collection of Magic cards from your lower left pocket are over. You are not a sorcerer. 

2) Tap-Out/Affliction shirts are not cool. As far as impressions go, you never want to make somebody fear that you'll throw him into a star choke and proceed to shove your crotch into his face until he can no longer function due to the lack of oxygen in his brain. 

3) Stay away from over the top, intense sunglasses such as Oakley Gascans. You are not Robo-Cop.

Hopefully, you don't read this and glance at your spring break suitcase in disdain, but if you do happen to find some of these items in your bag, you still have a couple days to burn everything you own and reinvent yourself into a respectable human being. (As a note, Hunter and Hampton do not like to declare that many "do's" when it comes to fashion because part of looking good involves allowing your personality to manifest itself through your style. However, they do have have some suggestion you may want to take on board if you are looking for some guidance.)

Here's a quick selection of some of the bathing suits that Hunter and Hampton will be wearing over spring break in The Bahamas. Admittedly, the Parke and Ronen "designer swim-wear" is a little avant-garde, but if you have enough money and an exorbitant amount of confidence in your quads, you may be in for some raucous evenings on the beach with an assortment of reputable young ladies.

Spring Break Fashion 2011 by hunter hampton featuring ray ban shades

A Carolina Rebel in King Arthur's Court

Despite an air of self confidence emanating from his nicely groomed comb-over, Hampton tries not to be as confused about his own personality as his hometown Charlotte is about its cultural identity. Is it the trailer park home of NASCAR or the country club haven of the country's second largest banking hub?  Does it want to host the NRA's Gun and Knife show or the 2012 Democratic National Convention? This is the same place that wants to be a big city but gets angry about losing its small town charm when crime starts piling up faster than people jumping on the Blake Griffin bandwagon two weeks before the Slam Dunk contest. Now, Charlotte, North Carolina is no Bodymore, Murderland, but a gang from the Queen City did once make History Chanel's riveting series "Gangland" (though Hampton is pretty sure that what the rest of the world views as a white supremacy gang is actually just a bunch of rednecks getting together to make moonshine and cheer for Junior on a Sunday afternoon).

Much to the dismay of his mother, Hampton likes to emphasize the Southern parts of his upbringing.  He likes country music, looking at big trucks, and the concept of hunting (it is really hard to get out of bed at four in the morning to go sit in the woods and shoot something that in the end looks pretty disgusting to actually have to consume).  Despite Hampton's best efforts to conserve his inner rebel, the suburban oasis has finally tamed the man whose childhood was spent like that of feral creature, on a leash and behind numerous safety mechanisms in his bed. His desires now lean more towards driving a Beamer and enjoying the benefits that come with sitting in the red leather chair of a large investment bank.  No matter how far he travels from the glorious home of the Bobcats and Panthers, Hampton will always believe that having been born into a Southern family, his birthright entitles him to look down upon all those he views as fake Southerners (i.e. those three people north of the Mason Dixon Line who claim to like country music). With a tin in his pocket and whales on his bow-tie, Hampton embodies all the contradictions of the Southern Gentleman.

In one of his many questionable decisions (honestly, Hampton is sometimes worse than Al Davis on draft day when it comes to thinking. Darrius Heyward-Bey and JaMarcus Russell? Are you kidding? Even if the Raiders somehow manage to pull a player like Da'Quan Bowers, which is incredibly unlikely with the absence of a first round draft pick thanks to the ingenious trade for an over the hill Richard Seymour, his career would be over as soon as the hat touches his godforsaken head), Hampton chose to major in Mechanical Engineering.  Despite being busy with perhaps the most NARP task on the face of the planet, writing computer code, Hampton still finds time to read.  While Hunter can quote classic books in casual conversation, Hampton makes it a point to glance up from his 1/4 scale replica model of a Hemi 426 V-8 engine and to respond to Hunter's douchey speech with insightful quotations from such business masterminds as Warren Buffet and Adam Smith. He is quite aware of how impressive this is, but unfortunately, such random knowledge does not add up to a whole lot of common sense. Maybe one day there will be a class for this. Thomas Paine, we're looking at you.

Limitless: If you could have all the power in the world with one pill, would you take it? Um, ya. Are you serious?

As a product of Baltimore's streets (the freshly paved, tree-lined ones; not the ones with crack-heads on the corners), Hunter has an incredibly paradoxical background. Is he a product of his prep-school community, or a victim of the atrocities displayed so accurately on the critically acclaimed masterpiece, "The Wire"? Obviously, it's the former, but thanks to HBO, affluent people from across the country, who can afford premium channels for reasons other than late night soft core pornography, are under the impression that anybody from Baltimore has loads of street cred. From what he has seen on his community service ventures into the darkest corners of the city, L.A. has nothing on Baltimore. Murder? Check. Drugs? Check. An absolutely delightful aquarium? Check. Basically, he experiences the classy and the trashy aspects of his city with a level of duality equivalent to Tiger texting Skyye Steelle with Elin in the room.

As an obvious result of Hunter's upbringing, he has played lacrosse since birth. As an even more obvious result of his upbringing, he burned out somewhere between junior year and senior year of high school. Needless to say, his flow made a Caesar salad jealous, but unfortunately, such lettuce only acts as an ease on the eyes. His career on the field has turned around slightly in college though his lefty laser could use a lesson from Kyle Harrison. Despite such devotion to lacrosse, Hunter has always cherished the sport of baseball, especially the Baltimore Orioles. Although a commitment to the O's is sometimes harder than watching "Rome Is Burning" and "Around the Horn" back to back, every day of the week, he is convinced that this is the year they turn it around. To be completely serious, the O's have not been the same since Game 1 of the 1996 ALCS when that douche-bag kid reached over the outfield wall and snagged the ball, resulting in a home-run for Derek Jeter instead of an impressive catch for outfielder Tony Tarasco. Are you kidding me? That was the worst call in the history of sports. The O's are still suffering. Regardless, Hunter has never fallen off the bandwagon. O's are nabbing the wildcard this year. 

In spite of his infatuation with sports, Hunter is an English major. Reading books is like taking steroids for the brain. Okay, admittedly that is a pretty tattered veil to cover up the inherent nerdiness of literature, but still, English majors are definitely some of the most cultured people around. There is nothing more impressive than quoting Theodore Dreiser's "The Financier" when talking about business or pulling anecdotes from "Decision Points" when prepping for a third grade class. Being well read is important. Thank God for Sparknotes. 

A Tale of Two Sides

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was Kyle Boller on paper, it was Kyle Boller in reality. It was the Britney Spears we saw for the first time in elementary school, it was the Britney Spears with an umbrella and a shaved head. It was Bill Clinton pre-Monica Lewinsky, it was Bill Clinton...oh wait, he still got an enthusiastic UTPHJ in the Oval Office so he came out on top. Needless to say, there are two drastically different  factions developing in our room. One side, ruled by the Old Man of the Sea and his furious sidekick Johnny Appleseed, seeks total domination, reigning with an iron fist and a lint roller. Our side feigns fear, yet it is all an act, substantiated to appease their growing Napoleon complexes (ironic that the complexes are growing, we know). Our brilliant ideas flow like a D-III FoGo's lettuce, but the two harpies shoot them down like they're Plaxico's leg (he gets out of jail in June. I think the Panthers need a big guy on the outside. Oh wait, the Panthers need anybody. I say they throw this entire season and hope Andrew Luck doesn't go after his PHD to avoid playing for your franchise).

The Old Man of the Sea came from nowhere and is bound for nowhere. Actually that's completely false, he's from Montana and is probably going to be a Naval pilot. But seriously, Montana is nowhere. The four people who reside under the big sky might get upset with such a claim, but fortunately they're probably too tired from eating fried buffalo balls to remove themselves from the re-release of "A River Runs Through It," a movie so terrible you'd think that Nicholas Cage wrote, directed, produced, and starred in it. Despite his rural upbringing, the Old Man enters the arena of our room with more experience than the rest of us in the ways of the world and nearly 60 college credits from which he was able to validate one course. His ways are as mysterious as Charlie Sheen's brain after a thirty hour bender, and he prefers to live in perpetual darkness as one of the mole-people. Although he lives in pictures of the past, the Old Man of the Sea works harder than anybody to control the present, sending so many texts to organize secret meetings you'd think he's Tiger Woods.

The Old Man's partner in this subterranean refuge is Johnny Appleseed. Is he from Tennessee, or is he from Georgia? I don't think even he knows. In those states, the map of the U.S. is still divided between the North and the South. Until he met the Old Man of the Sea, he was under the impression that everything west of the Mississippi was inhabited by the savages. He's a wrestler by day and a pretty impressive climber by night (kind of like the love child of John Muir and Batman) so his skill set makes him quite the asset to their faction. Unfortunately for the duo, Johnny Appleseed spends 80% of his day scouring Google images in pursuit of one of the world's rarest treasures. No, not a pennant for the Baltimore Orioles or a home grown talent for the New York Yankees, but rather, a mildly attractive climber chick. Apparently, there are some out there, but unfortunately, all we see are hairy legs, dreadlocks, and backs so muscular Mark McGwire jealously bends over and takes a shot in the hammy from Jose just at the sight.

Our side of the room is the social corner, a watering hole of sorts where shipmates in search of juicy gossip gather to share the latest news. We've got the freshest beats (i.e. Sam Adams, 90's Finest, Hall and Oates...etc.) and enough supplements to make us wonder if any parts of our bodies are actually real. There's a sweat shop on one side of the room, producing model engines with incredibly narpish precision, while the other side harbors a site almost as rare as the hot climber chick: work being produced by an English major. At least we think its work. Often he is seen closing out of Sparknotes with fingers so fast you'd think he's the Sundance Kid (of Butch Cassidy fame).

Regardless, our side of the room is the inspirational side. We make something out of nothing. We are Billy Beane. We are Dirk Diggler. We are John Galt.