Filling the Void

With the prospect of a fall without professional football growing more and more real with each passing day, players have been forced to look for other employment. As incredibly talented individuals, many of the players have taken their talents to alternate sports while others have brought their type-A personalities to the big screen. Here's what some of the pros have lined up:

Chad Ochocinco: Having secured a try-out with Sporting Kansas City, the man of many names has instigated a rush of media (by rush, we mean an increase from a brain dead reporter to a healthy individual) for the MLS but will most likely cost the league more credibility than the Galaxy's signing of Posh Spice.

Tom Zbikowski: Has been tearing it up in the boxing ring and is looking to continue his rapid rise until Don King scares him back to football.

Ray Lewis: With his avant garde entrances, Lewis earned a spot as an instructor on Dancing with the Stars.

Tom Brady: With his avant garde dance moves at Carnival in Rio, Brady earned a spot as Lewis' partner on Dancing with the Stars.

Chris Johnson: Having finally mastered his Lil' Wayne impression, Johnson will be going stage to stage in Las Vegas with Elvis and Tupac.

Terrell Owens: Will start summer league with the New York Knicks. It's actually a perfect fit because for the first time in his career, there is no team chemistry for T.O. to destroy.

Albert Haynesworth: Is doing nothing. Seriously, somebody check on him.

Rex Ryan: Volunteering at his local podiatrist's office. Seems a little selfish.

Mike Tomlin: Having finally decided to go with the acrylic nails, Tomlin has chosen to follow the fate of his blank stare and start working at the DMV.

Joe Flacco: Has fully embraced his acting career, stepping his game up to Papa Johns' commercials.

Troy Polamalu- Makes a guest appearance on Man vs. Wild, but unfortunately, Bear sees Troy's hair, mistakes the safety for a rare woodland creature, and eats him as a means of survival. Sorry Steelers.

Brett Favre: Really enjoys his retirement. He fishes, plays golf, and spends quality time with his wife and daughter. Unfortunately, he still takes pictures of his penis.

Billy Cundiff- Plans on heading down to Mexico to "try alternate strength workouts" (aka his cream and clear guy got deported). Side note: Billy's teammates are incredibly excited about the brief reprieve from Cundiff's locker room reign of terror. Things were never the same after Billy shoved Ray into the wall for looking at him funny.

In closing, I really hope they can work something out. Please. If I have to watch the CFL to get my football fix, then I'll...probably just be pretty unhappy.