Weight Room Etiquette with The Mink

Let’s face it; if you haven’t been hitting the weight room since age 13, you’re probably going to be in worse shape than the upcoming NFL season. Perhaps the reason why your biceps look like Rex Ryan’s double chin is because you have been focusing too intently on those calf raises and wrist curls for the past five years. Nevertheless, without a phat chest, chiseled abs, and tennis ball biceps, you might as well bring your World of Warcraft guide book to South Beach and see if you can gather up some virgins to duel (not the good kind…). But if you’d rather not spend your prime time this summer trying to get that 95 SPF sunscreen that your mom bought for you onto the center part of your back, you might want to follow some of these pointers and see if you can gain a little gym cred just by walking in there.

1. If you’re aiming to get a lift in where your heart is pumping faster than a sexually aroused silverback gorilla, you'll need to check out the pre-workout supplement isle. These bad boys will cause so many veins to pop on your body that you soon won’t be able to see your skin underneath the glorious webbing that tattoos your forearm. 

2. Clothing is essential in the gym. Most noobs don’t realize this fact, which is precisely why you can walk into any public gym and see kids running in jeans or squatting in toe shoes (also a NARP accessory). Your appearance is your number one confidence builder, but know your limits, please. If you have a little too much jelly in the belly, toss on an XL, tuck in the back a little, and let that front drape over like it’s the extra skin on The Biggest Loser’s arm. And a little advice on the side, if you look like you’ve been pumping chest and tri’s for the last two years straight, and your legs look like they couldn’t even feed a hungry family, throw on some loose sweats and let everyone else imagine that you have some tree trunks down there, not tree stumps. 

3. Finally, what you do inside the weight room should be your number one concern. You’re probably wondering where the line exists between some quality dude sweat and a raging sausage fest. Truth is, that line goes much farther than you would expect. Nobody will get hurt if you throw in a couple grunts while pushing that last set of 275, but if you’re moaning every rep like you have to drop a duecer, it’s probably going to be more awkward than Gilbert Arenas making a surprise visit to the Wizards locker room, suggesting a Super Soaker fight, so keep those man noises to a necessary minimum. Also there’s nothing wrong with a little celebratory Tiger fist swing (not pump) after a difficult set, but be mindful of excessive celebration. You won’t get flagged, but neither did Bill Gramatica after that legendary field goal.

4. One last point of advice, bring the protein jar with you to the gym, or have it easily accessible after your sesh. There’s literally nothing worse than having your protein intake postponed because you got sidetracked by that guy trying to “show” you a couple pointers on how to improve your hammer curl, or by playing with the gym chalk pretending to be Lebron (on your own time, please). With these guidelines, in no time you’ll be putting up enough plates to make Kobayashi look soft and quite possibly be eligible for the next season of Spartacus. 

Contributed by guest writer The Mink
(much gratitude to The Mink-writing on spring break is quite difficult when you can barely formulate words, let alone spell them)